Argument

The beginning of the year, although an arbitrary marking, is frequently a time for people to reflect and reassess their lives. It's a time to set goals, and perhaps let some old ones go. There are those of us, however, who almost neurotically assess and reassess ourselves - constant conscious questioning and examining of the self and how it interacts with the world. It's a level of introspection that I wouldn't necessarily wish upon anyone, though it does have its benefits.
One of the benefits I've found is the ability to see multiple sides of an argument, as well as being able to make reasonable predictions about how the involved personalities will bounce off of each other. Coming to the understanding that there is no wrong or right, that such terms are frequently meaningless, and that the emotional needs of those involved need to be addressed first are all important lessons. I'm referring to emotional argument here, logical argument has an entirely different set of rules.
The troubles come when people get them confused. I recall being with a girl and having her show me a television news show she liked. I started analyzing the show aloud - as with most news shows, my analysis was not favorable. She took my analysis rather personally and was very irritated with me, almost to the point of refusing to talk to me for the rest of the evening. I consider it a learning experience. She was trying to share something with me, and my way of response was to try and show her I was taking it seriously and paying attention. My logical dissection of the show had nothing to do with how I felt in regards to her, but that's not how she saw it. She felt personally attacked. Obviously, we weren't a good match for each other in this regard.
Alternately, a tactic I have seen used in emotional arguments is to find some flaw in a factual claim and attack it: "I didn't call you that name all the time - it was only twice! How can you claim I attack you all the time? Is twice all the time?" The precise number of times is an irrelevant point, or rather it should be. It is the feeling of being attacked that needs to be addressed, not further squabbling over epithet statistics. That kind of response only makes things worse by exacerbating the hurt and attacked feelings.
These things are on my mind for a couple of reasons. I've been helping my mother through some issues that have come up in her life (the second example is a variation from an argument in that instance). I've also recently begun to date someone after significant time away from the dating scene, and so I've been ruminating over lessons I can take from prior dating experience. That's my self-reflection for this new year's day.
I am excellent at logical argument. Fleet on my intellectual feet, I am well-versed in logical fallacy, human psychological error, and have a relatively broad knowledge base. I love a good challenge, and can admit when I'm wrong while always savoring the chance to learn more. I am an emotional arguing lightweight. I deal with it very well in my professional life, I have to and my level of involvement is different. In my personal life, this has not been the case. I need space to sort through things and have been emotionally pummeled into submission when someone I cared about was of a mind to do such a thing. Of course, those kinds of relationships don't work either.
I have found a way out - a phenomenal coping technique. Arguing style is very important, as is setting ground rules. Ultimately, trusting and caring for your partner/parent/friend/whatever even while being pissed off at them is what will carry you through. Putting the needs of another above my own, even when I'm angry and hurt, creates the necessary space. Then I have room to find my voice and sort through the issues. Putting myself second, trusting enough that I will get through unharmed, lets my care for the other come first. We can come back to my needs later when it's a more appropriately effective time to work on them. Of course, this assumes the other party involved ultimately wants a healthy and equal relationship - a rather large assumption.

Cheers!